Learn English through jokes 52 "Untold secret of married life!"

Untold secret of married life
เคล็ดลับของการใช้ชีวิตคู่

Here's the untold secret of married life

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple".

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man." We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,"That's once".”

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'”

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time.My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.”

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.”

"And we lived happily ever after "

From http://funnytickle.googlepages.com/jokes

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)

http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=70.0

Learn English through jokes 51 "Sir"

Learn English through jokes 51 "Sir"

Sir
ท่านครับ

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a
cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said."Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of
the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, $500,
but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "$1,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird's
specialty was. The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do
anything.
But the other two call him "SIR"

From http://funnytickle.googlepages.com/jokes

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=69.0

Learn English through jokes 50 "Return my horse!"

Return my horse! คืนม้ามาเดี๋ยวนี้นะ ไม่งั้น...........!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

from http://www.teacherjoe.us/

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=67.0

Learn English through jokes 49 "A Big Decision "

A Big Decision

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'

Source from www.teacherjoe.us

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=66.0

Learn English through jokes 48 "I am thirsty again"

I am thirsty Again !
อยากดื่มอีก

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk,

"Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=65.0

Learn English through jokes 47 "How Men Change After Marriage”

How Men Change After Marriage
ผู้ชายเปลี๊ยนไป๋หลังการแต่งงาน

After 6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
After 6 months: Of course I love U
After 6 years: If I didn't love U, then why the did I propose?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
After 6 months: BACK!!
After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring
After 6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room
After 6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
After 6 months: Here, for you
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
After 6 weeks: Honey, don't you worry, I'll never hold this against you
After 6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again
After 6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Oh my you look like an angel in that dress
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again???
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
After 6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
After 6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
After 6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie
After 6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=62.0

Source: http://www.crosswalk.com/

Learn English through jokes 46 "Man and woman relationship”

Man and woman relationship

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Business relationship

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=61.0

Learn English through jokes 45 "Software Support “After Marriage”

Software Support “After Marriage”
ฝ่ายสนับสนุนผลิตภัณฑ์ “หลังการแต่งงาน”

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: http: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support.
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=51.0

This article is from บทความนี้ได้จาก http://www.dizzy-dee.com/jokes/software-support-after-marriage

Learn English through jokes 44 "Five surgeons"

Five surgeons
คนโปรดของศัลยแพทย์

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=50.0

Learn English through jokes 43 "The Pretty Wife"

The Pretty Wife

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one.
He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.
He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one.
This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says,
"I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask.
Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket.
When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home.

Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=49.0