เคล็ดลับของการใช้ชีวิตคู่
Here's the untold secret of married life
Learn English through jokes. English through English and Thai songs. Thai jokes and English jokes. Entertainment. Learn english from movies. Translation scripts and reviews. เรียนภาษาอังกฤษฟรีจากเพลง หนัง ละคร ภาพยนตร์ ตลกฝรั่ง วิจารณ์หนัง เพลง ภาพยนตร์
Learn English through jokes 51 "Sir"
Return my horse! คืนม้ามาเดี๋ยวนี้นะ ไม่งั้น...........!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
from http://www.teacherjoe.us/
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=67.0
A Big Decision
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
Source from www.teacherjoe.us
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=66.0
I am thirsty Again !
อยากดื่มอีก
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk,
"Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=65.0
How Men Change After Marriage
ผู้ชายเปลี๊ยนไป๋หลังการแต่งงาน
After 6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
After 6 months: Of course I love U
After 6 years: If I didn't love U, then why the did I propose?
Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
After 6 months: BACK!!
After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring
After 6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room
After 6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something
Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
After 6 months: Here, for you
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!
Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
After 6 weeks: Honey, don't you worry, I'll never hold this against you
After 6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again
After 6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Oh my you look like an angel in that dress
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again???
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
After 6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
After 6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
After 6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie
After 6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=62.0
Source: http://www.crosswalk.com/
Man and woman relationship
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Business relationship
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=61.0
Software Support “After Marriage”
ฝ่ายสนับสนุนผลิตภัณฑ์ “หลังการแต่งงาน”
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: http: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Tech Support.
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=51.0
This article is from บทความนี้ได้จาก http://www.dizzy-dee.com/jokes/software-support-after-marriage
Five surgeons
คนโปรดของศัลยแพทย์
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=50.0
Learn English through jokes 40 "Baby-bottle nipples factory"
Baby-bottle nipples factory
โรงงานผลิตหัวจุกขวดนมสำหรับทารก
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottlenipples.
The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubberbeing injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound isthe needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms aremanufactured.
machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Waita minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says theguide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=44.0
Learn English through jokes 39 "Worried Snake"
Worried Snake
งูขี้กังวล
First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.
Second snake:Why?
First snake: Because I bit my lip!
Link to Thai translated version (ลิงค์ไปที่บทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=43.0
Learn English through jokes 38 "5 Stages of Being Drunk"
Learn English through jokes 36 "Yesterday I nearly got caught!"
Learn English through jokes 35
10 Differences Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Here is the link to Thai translated version (คลิกลิงค์ข้างล่างเพื่อดูบทแปลภาษาไทย)
http://englishentertain.thport.com/index.php?topic=39.0
Learn English through jokes 35
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.
Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.
One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it.
Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.
He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it.
But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple.
Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore.
Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.
He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend.
She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house.
It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.
When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says.
And in they go.The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.
So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts.
He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.
Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks.
So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.
Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain.
He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
คลิกที่ลิงค์เพื่อดูเนื้อหาที่แปลและเกร็ดความรู้ครับ
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,"Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor
อ่านเรื่องอื่นก่อนนะครับ เด๋วมาแปลให้
บทแปลมาแว้ว...............
translated by nonano26
Shooting the Bear
ยิงหมี
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
ชายแก่อายุแปดสิบปีคนหนึ่งกำลังตรวจเชคประจำปีและคุณหมอก็ถามเขาว่าเขารู้สึกอย่างไร
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!
“ไม่เคยรู้สึกดีอย่างนี้มาก่อนเลย” เขาโม้ “ผมได้เจ้าสาวอายุสิบแปดซึ่งกำลังตั้งท้องและกำลังจะมีเด็กให้ผม
What do you think about that?"
คุณหมอคิดว่าไงครับ”
The doctor considered this for a moment, and then said,” Let me tell you a story.
คุณหมอพิจารณาเรื่องนี้ชั่วครู่ และจากนั้นจึงเอ่ยว่า “หมอจะเล่าเรื่องๆหนึ่งให้ฟังนะครับ
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
ผมรู้จักชายคนหนึ่งผู้เป็นนักล่าผู้กระหาย เขาไม่เคยพลาดฤดูล่าสัตว์เลยซักครั้ง แต่วันหนึ่งเขาค่อนข้างเร่งรีบออกไปและบังเอิญคว้าเอาร่มของเขาไปแทนที่จะเป็นปืน”
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
คุณหมอเล่าต่อ “เมื่อเป็นเช่นนั้น เขาจึงอยู่ในป่าและทันใดนั้นหมีเทาขนาดใหญ่ตัวหนึ่งก็ปรากฏตัวขึ้นตรงหน้าเขา
เขายกร่มของเขาขึ้น ชี้ไปที่หมีตัวนั้นและบีบที่คันร่ม
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
“แล้วคุณตารู้ไหมว่าเกิดอะไรขึ้นครับ” คุณหมอถาม
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
อึ้งไปชั่วขณะ ชายแก่ตอบ “ไม่รู้ครับ”
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
คุณหมอจึงพูดต่อ “หมีตัวนั้นล้มลงตายต่อหน้าเขา”
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
“นั่นเป็นไปไม่ได้!” ชายแก่อุทาน “ต้องมีใครยิงหมีแน่”
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor
“นั่นแหละคือสิ่งที่ผมอยากจะบอกคุณตา…..” หมอตอบ
เห็นด้วยกับคุณหมอนะครับ แหมคุณตาก็ กระสุนก็ไม่มี สาวจะท้องได้ไงล่ะจ๊ะ
เรื่องนี้เป็นเรื่องของพอลล่า สาวสวย อิอิ บังเอิญต้องเดินทางไปกับหนุ่มขี้หลี จะเกิดอะไรขึ้นน้า...
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